Nintendo survival guide: 5 ways to save Wii U from being dead

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Here are five ways Nintendo can save the Wii U from becoming dead in a variety of unfortunate and potentially fatal situations.

How Nintendo can save Wii U from… a bear attack


Bears are dangerous and can easily kill a Wii U with its hands and mouth. If a bear attacks a Wii U, Nintendo should stand its ground and make lots of noise – sometimes this will scare the bear away as long as the bear isn’t deaf or hard of hearing. Climbing a tree can also be a good idea, unless the attacking bear is a black bear, which is a type of special climbing bear, in which case it’s not a good idea.

How Nintendo can save Wii U from… a house that is on fire


Wii U is made of plastic, which is a type of material that is allergic to the sort of extreme heat that comes from fire. In the event of Wii U being in a house that is on fire, Nintendo should cover itself in wet towels, carefully burst into the room where the Wii U is located, grab the console (leave the wires behind as these can be replaced later), then immediately jump through/out the nearest window and onto a large cushion or, ideally, a bean bag.

How Nintendo can save Wii U from… a plane that is plummeting from the sky


If a thing like a Wii U falls from a height of 60,000 feet then there is a chance it might become smashed and irreparably destroyed, so if a Wii U is in a plane that is plummeting from the sky Nintendo must act quickly. To survive this scenario, Nintendo should find the nearest parachute, and strap it to the Wii U. Then, toss the console out the nearest window or door, ignoring any contrary safety instructions communicated by the flight crew. This must be done before the plane hits the ground or else it won’t work and the Wii U will suffer a fatality.

How Nintendo can save Wii U from… a car that is sinking in water


The most important thing for Nintendo to remember here is that water kills electrical and electronical items like Wii U by drowning the circuits and chips and processors in liquid, so keeping the console dry is survival priority number one. Nintendo should find something in the sinking vehicle like plastic bags or tissues to wrap around the Wii U and make it as water tight as possible. Alternatively, wiping car oil over the Wii U casing works as oil repels water. Then the car window should be opened and the Wii U handed carefully to any rescuers, so they can transport it safely back to dry land.

How Nintendo can save Wii U from… being covered in an avalanche


When activated Wii U produces enough heat to melt snow, so in the event of being buried in an avalanche, Nintendo simply needs to find the nearest power outlet, plug in the Wii U, turn it on, then wait for science to ‘do its thing’. If there are no power outlets readily available, Nintendo could simply wait for summer, when the snow will melt naturally. Alternatively, an SOS could be sent via the Miiverse messaging service, asking fellow Nintendo fans for help getting Wii U rescued from the avalanche.